In the latest instalment of Love Diversified one writer lives out a Bollywood scene as she is ‘sized up’ by a prospective mother in law
Bored of being single I finally decided to try out the parental assistance option and told my folks that I would be happy to meet with any eligible beaus that they may know of.
Excited at the prospect of injecting some finesse into my love life (remember that episode of Friends where Phoebe tells the gang that their dating history reads like a who’s who of human crap? Well my brigade of exes wouldn’t even be good enough to be part of that collection), my mum excitedly said she knew of the perfect guy.
I began to question my decision, I love my mother but was this the smart thing to do? We certainly had different ideas around what constitutes as the perfect guy for me.
As I was about to say I’ve changed my mind a text popped up on my phone from a guy I’d been ‘seeing’; ‘Wanna come round tomorrow? Got an hour free in the day and the place to myself’.
How romantic I thought rolling my eyes, nope the f*** boi phase had to come to an end, it was time to test the ‘mother knows best’ theory.
The man my mother had in mind was the son of a friend of a friend of hers, his name was Anil and he was a doctor (An occupation which in Asian society propels him to the top of the leader board of course.) I had never met him or his mother but told myself to remain open-minded, after all the alternative was eternal loneliness or worse still a lifetime of ‘you awake’ texts from horny commitment-phobes.
My mum hurriedly called up his mother Sheila who very enthusiastically said she would pass my number on to her son (seems our mothers had discussed the possibility of this happening)
The next morning the doorbell rang, I opened the door to find a woman standing there, short and falling into what the medical profession would classify as obese, she was no doubt a follower of the Indian auntie fashion code; Louis Vuitton handbag on her arm, Tory Birch Flat shoes, Marks and Spencer Leggings and a blouse.
She looked me up and down and asked ‘Hi is Kamla there?’ At this point my mother came out and an expression of horror crossed her face ‘Sheila… Hi, I wasn’t expecting you.’
After a moment it registered in my head that this was Anil’s mother, she barged into the house ‘I was coming this side anyway and I thought I would drop some Ladoos (Indian sweets) I had made, I would have called but forgot my mobile you see!’
My mother somewhat awkwardly introduced us to each other and offered her a cup of tea.
Ready to make my exit I was stunned when ‘Auntie Sheila’ looked at me and said ‘Can you make the tea? Less milk in mine and three sugars please.’
I went into the kitchen and wondered if this woman was testing my tea making abilities to determine if was good enough for her son? (If so she was going to be disappointed!)
I served the tea and customary plate of biscuits and bizarrely she asked me how tall I was.
Then she said ‘What about your interests? Hobbies? What do you do in your spare time?’
(This had begun to feel surreal, was I on a date with this woman?!)
As I answered she cut me off with ‘I hope you don’t like all this clubbing and party sharty business’, I said nothing and contemplated telling her about my table dancing shenanigans at a friend’s birthday the night before.
Between mouthfuls of biscuits she asked question after question, from my skin regime (Your skin is dull and bit on the darker side, go to my beautician she’ll perform magic) to my professional qualifications and career ambitions (‘well at least you got a proper degree so you can leave all this writing nonsense behind and get a good job.’)
I took a deep breath and reached for a biscuit, in horror she exclaimed ‘Biscuit! Should you be eating that? You are already fat and you’re short so looks even worse! Tell me how many kilos do you weight?!’
Silence followed and then I shrieked ’I’m short and fat?’ Well isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black!’
Needless to say I never heard from Anil, as for ‘Auntie’ Sheila, there was one good thing about her visit, those ladoos she had made and brought over were incredible, I devoured the whole lot.
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Featured image Flickr: Anupam Gupta