As I travelled at high speed through Zone 1 on the Jubilee Line in the greatest city in the world a nascent thought germinated: cancer has taken Bowie and Lemmy, but it didn’t kill Jimmy Savile, which in anyone’s book is reason enough to declare a long and costly war on cancer. Yet according to a cursory study of New York Times articles, Muslims are worse than cancer.
How did this visceral fear of Muslims come to pass? Who cares – I want to concentrate on what the first 100 days of MP Sadiq Khan’s turn as Mayor will look like. Because if anything, smears in the Tory press that he is a closet Islamist hell bent on turning London into a Khanistan with him as de facto Caliph have only been constrained by our PC libel laws.
Never mind that Khan lent a quote to The Sun on their 1 in 5 Muslims are terrorist sympathisers front page and voted in Parliament to bomb a Muslim majority country. Forget even his work with the LGBT community and vote for same sex marriage, something our current Education secretary voted against, Sadiq Khan is definitely an Islamist.
Amidst all the hot takes on how Trump won’t be the Republican party’s nominee and now that he has been nominated, how catastrophic he’ll be as president, we have ignored the Islamist rise of Sadiq Khan, MP of Tooting twinned with Raqqah. At least with Trump, he will build things like a great wall. With Sadiq Khan there is always the chance he might just blow things up. After all, as a Zac Goldsmith mayoral campaign worker told a constituent, he is a “Muslim.”
So what would the first 100 days of a Caliphate of London look like? Red letter boxes painted black to make London welcoming to veiled women from Saudi Arabia. The banning of all hate preachers like Nigel Farage or at the very least do what we did with Gerry Adams in the 80s, and dub his voice with that of a refugee every time he spouts his bile.
It’s not all doom and Islamism though, this dystopian future comes with some benefits as well:
There will be feminist-only carriages, the dudebros will be no-platformed at the platform, and we already have a name for it, the Elizabeth line. Because in Sadiq’s eyes, you’re all Queens. Going from home to work shouldn’t resemble a Hunger Games battle for survival, dodging being accosted by angry men who inhabit the comment section of articles written by women.
Khan will also cut the zip carriage thing between London and South London that Boris spent 25 million on. We have to recognise that there is little value in visiting South London, apart from seeing Beyonce at the 02. This is not a strictly Islamist policy but sensible pragmatism.
Cat Stevens, or Yusuf Islam as he is now known, will compose an anthem for London; the remix will feature Zayn Malik. Oxford Street will not only be paved over to cut car pollution, but will be carpeted like a Mosque, so people can give thanks in prayer for the 75% off sale at Top Shop.
Sadiq Khan will have a memorial for Princess Diana on the fourth plinth in Trafalgar Square because even though Queen Elizabeth stripped her of the HRH moniker, she will always be a princess for a whole generation of Muslim women.
Sadiq will also end the blight of ugly skyscrapers like the Shard which hold little religious value, and insist all future tall buildings resemble giant minarets.
Jamie Oliver with his overpriced lubbly jubbly bleu will be told to do one. Auntie Bushra with her Gharam Masala will be advising on school dinners in London.
Imagine bland school dinners being replaced with dishes from the Islamic world: Jollof Tuesday, Shawarma Thursday and of course Curry Friday. Hot cross buns will be banned and replaced with Paratha with a filling of your choice, call it an Islamist Crêpe if you like.
Don’t believe Britain First: Christmas will not be cancelled, but you will get Friday afternoons off to spend time in Weatherspoons drinking Arabica coffee.
Islam is not just a religion but a complete way of life, so Westminster Abbey will no longer be the nexus for Royal weddings. That honour will be transferred to East London Mosque.
Everyone will pay a standardised tax plus 2.5% extra for multinationals, Bankers and non-Muslims.
This may feel like an overtly ambitious Islamistfesto by Sadiq Khan. But he will encourage Muslims to breed and thus forever swing the vote for a perpetual Muslim Mayorship for London. This will irk those who warn us of a Muslim baby demographic ticking timebomb (Mohammed is already the most popular baby name) but think about it – if Muslims are making love that means they’re not making Jihad.
If this all seems a bit farfetched, then imagine being a Muslim in the spotlight of Muslim scare stories in the press.
Bigoted blind spots from the media when it comes to visible Muslims are ubiquitous. Should they have gone to Specsavers, one wonders? Because having your humanity constantly on trial with bizarre smears which accuse you of being in an ISIS book club can be draining. They did it to Baroness Warsi; they’re doing it with Sadiq Khan now.
If you don’t know, now you know.
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Raf is a vegetarian Muslim who does current affairs with jokes. Follow him on Twitter @1Rafz
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