Donald Trump doesn’t want immigrants from ‘shitholes’ Raf has a plan to attract the right kind of migrants
Do you think Donald-Gulliver-Trump, the bigly stable-genius with Lilliputian-sized hands, wakes up with night terrors that his hands fit the infamous black leather gloves in the OJ Simpson case, thus making him, Donald J Trump, responsible for the crime of the century? No? Well, I think about this at least once a day. What I have never wondered about — and no doubt what other minorities have never questioned –is whether the current Commander-In-Chief of the USA is a massive orange racist tan line on the dress shirt of politics or not. He is, case closed.
Yet here we are in 2018, reading articles in left-leaning publications, only now definitively saying Trump is a racist. The same publications who, leading up to the election in 2016, were busy commissioning puff pieces best summed up as “my weekend with white supremacists”, whereby they’re basically not that bad in private and it’s “economic anxiety” not white supremacy; or my personal favourite: Don’t punch a Nazi, debate them. Yes, the media is still really shocked at Trump allegedly calling countries with Black and Brown people “shitholes” and that he is an actual racist, but never questioning their own role in his rise to becoming the racist in the White House.
But I’m not here to argue whether POTUS supposedly calling vast swathes of the world shitholes is racist or not (it is). Instead, I want to proffer a manifesto on how Trump can halt anyone entering and becoming American who can season a chicken, and replace
them with only European immigrants who have passed a David Duke endorsed beauty pageant at customs.
If the Donald really wants white only immigration from Norway to America, instead of, say, Iran; he needs to go full-fat CIA like South America in the 80’s. It’s so simple, you destabilise the current Norwegian government and target the country’s infrastructure and weddings in clandestine drone strikes. Asset strip their natural resources over a number of decades and then replace their democratically elected government with a dictator who is friendly to America and specifically Trump. This is the only way in my view you can get a mass exodus of Norwegian immigrants to America.
Trump should start building the wall between America and Mexico he promised during the election. Now I know walls have been much maligned since Berlin by the liberal intelligentsia in Islington. But I point you to Hadrian’s Wall, which successfully kept out the Scots to the point that hundreds of years later in their Parliament the biggest party wants to exit Scotland from the United Kingdom. Trump should definitely look towards history, finally build the wall, and keep the bad hombres across the border out.
The President also needs a network of online truth-tellers in Europe who churn out propaganda that there are parts of Europe overrun with Muslims setting up Mosques and Shisha cafes, so Trump’s preferred white Europeans would feel the need to immigrate to the relative safety of America, with its lax gun laws and no universal health care free at the point of access. He should employ the likes of Katie Hopkins in PsyOps.
Its true Hopkins has been knee-capped in the past year by libel laws and the decency of The Daily Mail. But she still has an online profile built on doing that thing on radio where a presenter mentions on the top of the hour that there has been an accident on some road and to expect delays, but in Katie’s world it’s always a terrorist attack even when it’s not and Sadiq Khan’Ts fault. “Khan’t” do you get it? With witty barbs like this, the Daily Mail may be rueing the fact she no longer writes for them but it’s Trumps gain.
Trump should also send Seal Team 6 to release Prison Planet, the battery-farmed chicken
of the alt-right in that just like a battery farmed chicken he has never seen the outside of his fortified bunker in Battersea, and just like the chickens he is force-fed, in his case on Brain Force Plus pills. Imagine a free Prison Planet walking around London doing reportage for Trump on how scared he is in London with its diversity and international cuisine and house prices that would make you cry: If you want white flight from London we need to make out its a shit hole but instead of letting them move to Kent tell them its overrun with migrants from Calais.
Offer an olive branch to Hillary Clinton; ask her to send in the Clinton Foundation to help Europeans who feel besieged in their parent’s basement due to the impending invasion of Sharia Law. She is great at inadvertently destabilising nations; just ask the Haitians.
Finally, Donald Trump should keep feeding the Democrats, and more generally the self-proclaimed resistance, red herrings like typing a tweet in Cyrillic then quickly deleting it and following Putin on Twitter and liking his tweets on Syria. This will trigger the likes of Eric Garland to do a three hundred tweet game theory, thus distracting the #ImWithHer crowd by keeping them busy looking for reds under the bed, leaving Trump to quietly go on with his administration’s agenda of dropping DACA and making America Scandinavian white again.
Trump image: Petty Officer 2nd Class Patrick Kelley
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Raf is a vegetarian Muslim who does current affairs with jokes.