Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he heard a Syrian refugee had moved in at number 32.
I jest of course; we just solved the Syrian refugee crisis by naming them collateral damage and voting in Parliament to precision bomb them before they even reach Calais.
Yes, Britain awakes to the news that we are bombing yet another part of the Middle East because they ‘hate our values and democracy’. But mostly, as the pro-bomb lobby puts it, we are bombing Syria to keep ordinary Britons like you and me safe from Daesh attacks here in the UK.
Ask yourself: do we really as a nation state feel any safer today after hearing we bombed an oil well? Does a bunch of failed rappers on the back of pickup trucks, waving black flags with a penchant for Nutella represent the biggest existential threat to the UK since Nazi Germany?
Do we feel any safer as a nation, when our politicians engage in the tiresome British tradition of passive aggressive debate, over what to call Daesh/ISIS/ISIL/IS and then follow it up with some pre-emptive name calling; ‘Take that Nazi like death cult, we calling you Daesh, that’s got to sting right?’
Or do we feel safer when watching armchair-general-porn on our news channels with a never ending parade of middle aged men, describing Brimstone missiles like it’s a Top Gear segment? “Oh look at the sleek lines, that one comes with GPS and a capability to penetrate deep into bunkers before ejaculating on Daesh fighters.” Or like me, will you only feel safe when Theresa May downgrades the threat level from SEVERE to severe?
Of course in these financially austere times that we find ourselves in, we must factor in the cost of bombing Syria. As various phallic shaped UK missiles are flashed across the BBC news channel, the ticker tape below tells us they cost in the region of 100k and that’s without the cost of transporting them to explode in people’s homes (Amazon don’t do deliveries to Raqqah).
So who pays? Well one imagines an over-enthusiastic Iain Duncan-Smith, who as Secretary of State for Work and Pensions gets to decide which demographic will be the one to struggle. The truckloads of cash reserved for benefits and tax credits will from now on go towards the far more exciting expenditure of paying for bombs. Or perhaps he’ll take it a step further and send those work-shy scroungers, sucking off the state’s tit to bolster Cameron’s (imaginary) 70,000 moderate Muslim army in Syria.
Anything to keep us safe from Daesh (ISIS, ISIL, IS) eh?
Some would argue you can’t put a price on making Dave in Oldham feel safe from Daesh as he chugs on his 40th cigarette of the day, or Fatimah in London as she decadently heads to her local supermarket, hell bent on getting a sugar high. Has everyone already forgotten Monday’s news cycle, when sugar was the new ISIS?
According to Cameron we are bombing Daesh in Raqqah to degrade their command and control ability to plan attacks on Britain, thus saving countless British lives. Sorry, but this only makes sense if we are also planning to bomb Belgium as that’s where the Paris attacks were planned.
What if we used Cameron’s logic for bombing Syria for all our problems? Shouldn’t he be launching a strategic strike on George Osborne? For if we are looking at big killers of British people then more will be killed from a cold snap this winter than ISIS will ever manage to harm and it’s all that “book balancing on the backs of the poor” Osborne’s fault.
Why is everyone’s new favourite orator Hilary Benn not making impassioned speeches about raining down hellfire and brimstone missiles on Chipping Norton to take out Crusader Cameron and his disciples? Would our politicians be as giddy with excitement as they were yesterday if we droned Chicken Cottage, because it’s not heart healthy?
If I had a pound for every time a “Middle Eastern analyst” or politician said “lessons had been learned from Iraq” I could have funded a strategic strike on Daesh myself. The coming months and years will show if the decision to bomb Syria was the correct one from David Cameron, because as Fallon himself has said to the BBC: “this will not be quick.” We will be in Syria for a long time just like we were with Afghanistan and Iraq before. As most people know airstrikes alone won’t degrade or destroy Daesh, no matter how many times our MPs or press tell us it will. It is for this reason after being non-committal for four years Obama is now sending Special Forces into Syria to pursue and destroy Daesh leadership. We are being dragged back into the Middle East even before any lessons from Chilcot are learnt, let alone published.
All in the name of protecting British citizens.
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Raf is a Single Vegetarian Muslim who does current affairs with jokes. Follow him on Twitter @1Rafz
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