Hope everyone had a Merry white-people Eid; or, as all the Muslim toddlers who have been put through the Prevent programme in 2015 now have to call it, Christmas.
Got news to share with you and my handlers at MI5; something only GCHQ knew about until now.
Drum roll please (because string instruments are haram): Media Diversified has anointed me the Caliph of Muslim content, the self-appointed Muslim community leader of London and Essex (Takbir). This involves writing a column denouncing Muslims who upset Douglas Murray and Nick Cohen, and issuing government-friendly Fatwas on a bi-weekly basis.
Question: do you get a blue tick on Twitter for being the self-appointed Muslim community leader?
In any case, time and a police raid will tell if it was wise for Media Diversified to let me write for them.
Since my landmark manifesto on #YouAintNoMuslimBruv, it has been quiet on the Muslim-bothering front. So I thought I would elucidate to you, my dear readers, what it entails being a Muslim community leader in this, my official capacity as Caliph of Media Diversified.
No better place to start than with the tale of Preston Terror that never was.
Do you ever get days when you see a story about a bomb exploding in Preston, and the lamestream media don’t make a huge BREAKING NEWS fuss, and you’re left thinking “Damn, if the perpetrator of the bombing was Muslim I could have been on TV condemning it” – no?
Just me and the lads at Quilliam then?
But before you No-Platforming-Lefties judge me like I judge Muslims in print and on TV, let me explain why I feel this way.
You see, there are good days and bad days when it comes to being the self-appointed Muslim community leader for London and Essex.
The good days involve me appearing on cable news, apologising on behalf of 1.6 billion Muslims for a terrorist attack on westerners in a country that I have never visited nor have any great insight into.
Then there are the really good days, the high watermark for all Muslim community leaders; answering questions like “Is Islam inherently violent?” for the 10,000th time on a Nicky Campbell fronted BBC show. Yes, THAT Nicky Campbell (swoons), the Scottish Lawrence Arabia of daytime religious programming.
Then there are the bad days.
Interfaith work with the Vicar from St Joseph’s to a group of bored teenagers.
Giving Dawah to NeoAtheists on Twitter.
Yes, it was feast and famine, war and sweaty teenagers, when it came to being a Muslim community leader in 2015. It’s not all live TV link-ups with former CIA intern Anderson Cooper on 360 condemning Muslims and guesspeculating about the motives of a terrorist from their Facebook likes.
So imagine my unbridled joy when a Stone Island-wearing celebrity Fascist on social media first mentioned that the Preston Terror attack may well be Muslim related.
“Be still my beating heart”.
The rumour of an ISIS plot in the men’s lavatory at the Preston shopping mall had me more excited than the night before Eid. This was due to the fact we had hit a fallow period of late in the Muslim apologising circuit. Leytonstone Terror had just been downgraded to “Potential Terror” and everyone in the media soon lost interest, and with that my opportunity to pontificate live on air.
Upon hearing about Preston, I had rushed home from my day job as an accountant, letting myself dream, nay believe, that there was a Muslim-related terror incident in England that Fox News would need me to comment on, especially as Anjem Choudary is currently in jail.
One pictured a regal Elton John centre stage in Preston town centre, with his piano playing Candle In The Wind in front of the cast of the Hovis advert from the 80s: resilient northern folk, struck dumb with fear and sadness.
Huw Edwards on the BBC adding gravitas to proceedings with a voiceover naming all the toilet cubicles affected by this senseless act of terror in Preston, the beating and now bleeding heart of Lancashire.
But best of all I envisioned myself in front of an 800 strong Mosque delegation leaving flowers outside the devastated lavatory in Preston. A solitary tear glistening on my suitably apologetic face. Pledging my commitment among the assembled press to do my utmost to apologise on multiple media platforms for this heinous act of terror.
Sadly though just as I was warming my vocal cords by reciting over and over “Wahhabism” and “Ban Mosques”, I got word that ITV news had declared the Preston Bomb had been downgraded to a mere device and as everyone knows, the only “devices” that trend or make the news are made by Apple.
Sheesh Kebabs! This led me to a dilemma, you see; I’d ordered candles for the inevitable outpouring of grief that I was helpfully going to organise. I was in a tizzy. What am I going to do with all these candles I ordered for the vigil at Manchester Trafford centre now?
I am ashamed to admit that in my darkest hour I contemplated driving down to Preston town centre to strategically place a sad-looking puppy and some black flags to pique the interest of Kay Burley and the Sky news team.
I decided against this course of action. It was futile; after all, everyone knows no one dedicates an entire news cycle to white acts of terror – just ask the residents of Northern Ireland.
Because Preston was White-ISIS and not Muslim-ISIS.
Sadly this meant no Hilary Benn giving a passionate speech in Parliament about the need to bomb Bolton where the attacks on Preston were obviously planned. No David Cameron saying Manchester and Liverpool need to do more to help the fleeing refugees from Preston.
But I told myself not to get too depressed about a device exploding in England and no one hearing about it because it couldn’t immediately be linked to a Muslim by the media.
As Oscar Wilde once observed, one would have to have a heart of stone not to dissolve into tears of laughter at my predicament.
In any case I consoled myself by saying the real victims are the child vigil-candle makers in China who had been cheated out of overtime because the Preston Terrorist turned out to be white-looking and the bomb downgraded to a mere “device”.
So what next for me, the David Brent of Muslim community leaders? A moniker friends affectionately had given me after my robust defence of #CathyNewmanLies, even when CCTV emerged showing she had been economical/comical with the truth. Good times; it was just me, Louise Mensch and Nick Ferrari against facts and CCTV footage.
Well I have outgrown the UK; it’s time for me to transition into an American-Muslim and be the go-to guy for Sean Hannity on Fox News. It will be difficult competing against experts on Islam like Pam Geller and Sam Harris. But I have a USP they do not, namely having lived in the Islamic State of Birmingham as a student and surviving to tell my tale.
Yes, 2016 will be the year I follow in the footsteps of Tarek Fatah and become a North-American Muslim leader stroke terror analyst and warner of Saudi-funded Wahhabism and Halal meat samosas.
American and specifically Republican voting Americans are so anti-Islam that 30% voted to bomb a fictional country in Aladdin. Not beating my own drum of war but give me a slot on Fox and Friends and that number will be closer to 40% by end of 2016. It’s a growing anti-Muslim market to tap into with many business opportunities for a Muslim community leader like me.
More business opportunities will surely flow when America elects a billionaire oversized cheesy Wotsit as President in 2016.
So with that in mind I’m printing up business cards that state, “A keen multi-tasker I’m willing to undertake media commitments Ayaan Hirsi Ali is unable to make and pushing for the reformation of Islam”. This is my true Jihad: being one of the “some of my best friends are Muslims” for the likes of Richard Dawkins and writing a book with Tom Holland about Islam in pre-Columbus America.
Some say Tom Holland is the Iggy Azalea of Islamic studies and just like an Iggy Azalea freestyle, Tom Holland makes little sense. But I look forward to chairing debates on Islamic studies for the Latin speaking demographic.
Picture me twelve months from now being introduced on my own TED talk as a climate change-denying secular Muslim reformer. I’d probably even settle for a topical current affairs programme, like Citizen Khan but obviously played for laughs like the Daily Show.
But most of all, looking forward to 2016 I want to reform Islam like Drake did rap in 2015, and as a South Asian make statements like Muslims are the new black in America…unironically.
Happy New Year!
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Raf is a vegetarian Muslim who does current affairs with jokes. Follow him on Twitter @1Rafz
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More by Uncle Raf
- #YouAintNoMuslimBruv is a multi-cultural, multi-ethnic Twitter drag of all those who would divide us
- Do you feel safer from Daesh (ISIS, ISIL, IS) now?
You can find out more and support Bare Lit Festival 2016, giving authors and poets of colour the platform and visibility they deserve here