Our time-travelling correspondent Raf reports from late 2019, where after the fall from grace of Theresa May following a disastrous Brexit, he interviews new Conservative party leader and Prime Minister Sajid Javid
I sat down with Prime Minster Sajid Javid over some Nando’s Lemon and Herb chicken and a side order of coconut water to discuss his meteoric rise from multi-millionaire Banker to the greatest office of state as Prime Minster of the newly diminished United Kingdom of England.
Talk quickly turns to his conviction in his own brand of politics and the innovative steps he took as Home Secretary to out-racist Boris Johnson to become PM. “My goal was always to become PM”, he announces, and says he took two lessons from his migrant father, who played a big role in his life, and who, many decades before, came to the country with nothing but £10 in his pocket.
First, if he ever became Home Secretary, he would unveil a immigration policy so draconian that if his dad tried coming to the country now, he would be stopped at the border and sent back home.
Second, as the son of an ethnic, a young Sajid Javid (with hair) was told by his father he’d have to work twice as hard as his middle class white colleagues to get anywhere in business and politics. Working twice as hard meant showing the electorate he was twice as serious about his racism than Theresa May and his white rivals. And so, Javid took the step of writing “Go Home” on vans in Urdu and driving them himself through Birmingham, Southall and Bradford.
Sajid Javid in his van, preparing to leave for his “Go Home” UK tour
But the problem Sajid Javid says, was that no matter how badly he bungled the aftermath of the Windrush scandal – for instance, the public discovering he is an Asian Muslim – and his comments about Muslims on Sky News that would make Tommy Robinson blush, he couldn’t get any traction with the rank and file Conservative party members.
“Then something miraculous happened to Javid, he describes it as an apparition of Christmas past appearing before him, dressed in the garb of Zac Goldsmith’s racist Mayoral campaign, and it uttered the words “Go big or go home!”
These people would decide which candidate would succeed the beleaguered Theresa May. Windrush was May and Amber Rudd’s claim to fame; he needed something of his own, something so bold it would make the likes of Nigel Farage take notice. This preoccupied his thoughts as he went on Christmas holidays with his family late in 2018.
Then something miraculous happened to Javid. He describes it as an apparition of Christmas past appearing before him, dressed in the garb of Zac Goldsmith’s racist Mayoral campaign, and uttering the words “Go big or go home!” at Javid. Then it disappeared. The future PM said the words over and over again to himself: “Go big, or go home…”, as he cut short his Christmas Safari holiday to cage six humans in a dinghy and eventually release them back into their natural habitat far from marginal Conservative seats and Kent.
Young Sajid Javid
Then like a Lynton Crosby dog whistle it dawned on him, with the Maybot malfunctioning, having caught the Y2K bug 18 years too late, Sajid Javid could become PM – but only if he went back home, and more specifically if he deported himself, thus showing he was serious about cutting immigration to zero.
“Go big or go home” the apparition had said. So that’s what Sajid did: he went home to prove to the public that a son of an Immigrant could be just as if not more racist than his Eton-educated rivals.
“Sajid recalls how news soon got out that he had deported himself to a tax haven with nothing but Richard Branson boring on about space travel and privatising the NHS”
He went on BBC’s Marr show and told Andrew that, unlike Cameron, who had just promised to cut immigration to the tens of thousands and failed, he would deport himself to show he meant business. “It’s at that stage,” an animated Sajid Javid tells me, “as soon as I told Marr, I knew I’d be PM; there was a quiver in Andrew’s lips and his eyes signalled approval.” (Andrew Marr vehemently denied this when asked for corroboration.)
After a short pause while Javid sends back his lemon and herb chicken for being “too spicy”, Sajid recalls how news soon got out that he had deported himself to a tax haven with nothing but Richard Branson boring on about space travel and privatising the NHS. After a few months of self-imposed exile, he landed back in Gatwick in his private jet to personally see off more brown migrants and investigate “no go areas” Katie Hopkins style.
Nando’s Lemon & Herb: the unacceptable face of British multiculturalism
A rapturous BBC Question Time crowd of middle aged white men with ruddy complexions greeted him at the airport with the chant “The Saj”.
The centrists lauded this form of identity politics: here was the multi-millionaire son of an immigrant bus driver telling the unpalatable truth that Corbyn wouldn’t dare tell you. The Guardian resistance fell away as it proclaimed that under PM Sajid Javid, the multi-cultural society envisaged by Theresa May had been realised: the one where all brown people literally, go home. He won leadership of the Conservative party with 100% of the vote, and in an election in April 2019 won in a landslide.
After our interview, I knew this son of a immigrant bus driver had finally become an Englishman like St George and would become the greatest leader the country had ever seen. As he prepared to leave for the airport, I asked him what his plans were next. “To close down Nando’s. Far too multicultural”.
Raf is a vegetarian Muslim who does current affairs with jokes.