In a truly inspirational piece, our mysterious satirist Raf turns his lens to the home secretary Priti Patel and looks at her motivations, her smashing of stereotypes and her ultimate aim to remove the citizenship of British people who look like her without notice or right of appeal in her Nationality and Borders Bill


Bring out the dhols, pass around the Jalebi, play that Punjabi MC track until the tweeters blow! Because we are just one more revelation of an illegal Boris Johnson attended Xmas party – while the plebs had to Facetime dying loved ones – from having Priti Patel, a South Asian Desi Girlboss, as prime minister.

But what do we really know about Priti Patel? Well, in her spare time she likes going on dawn raids with police, insisting it’s the highlight of her year and dislikes desperate people trying to reach the relative safety of the UK to seek asylum.

Patel, like all model minority strivers, started from humble beginnings, not a child of a bus driver like Sadiq Khan or Sajid Javid, but an authentic working class daughter of a former UKIP candidate. Priti never had the luxury of the Eton to Number 10 pipeline enjoyed by the likes of Boris or Cameron, nor did she have any familial connections to aristocracy like some at The Guardian.


Simply put, she is an Indian woman who worked harder than her white, male privileged peers. She is not a Cambridge or an Oxford alumni, which seems to be a prerequisite for entrance into the Westminster bubble. However she had the good fortune to pass the Norman Tebbit cricket test to become one of the stars of the multicultural Conservative cabinet tasked by the people in the 2019 general election to return Black and Brown people to sender.


“Patel wants to bring back the death penalty for murderers and rapists, but strangely there was no

mention of abuse of a cabinet position and I wonder why that might be?”


I’ve long admired Priti Patel and I can name at least three of her greatest hits – treason, bullying her surbordinates (and asking the taxpayers to foot the bill for the fallout), and trying to bring back the death penalty, which she announced on BBC Question Time to much fanfare and acclaim.

Patel wants to bring back the death penalty for murderers and rapists, but strangely there was no mention of abuse of a cabinet position and I wonder why that might be? Nor would there be a death penalty presumably for the people who thought it would be great idea to put flammable cladding on a tower block that led to the murder of 72 people. The death penalty would be for murderers and rapists and maybe as a treat, for climate change terrorists who inconvenience Range Rover drivers on the school run.

A recent article in the New Statesman says that up to 50% of all Asians under the Nationality and Borders Bill would be eligible for a one way ticket back home, without notice or chance of appeal. But I say sacrifices have to be made, just like our parents did when they came over here. If I and many of my hue have to be deported to get our first South Asian PM – then so be it! We have truly come a long way from having our shop and home windows being smashed, called P*ki and told to go back home. Instead, Priti Patel is smashing glass ceilings and sending people home herself – and the very same people who used to carry out those hate crimes can be happy for her rise!

I don’t have a daughter, but if I did and she was say, eleven years old, I could imagine her crying tears of joy that she too can grow up to become prime minister of this great nation and deport her mum, siblings and grandparents if they don’t behave, cancelling them like the thirty day trials you get on music streaming sites.


“It’s a well known secret within Black and Brown communities that just as racism against us is more palatable if the person is named Priti Patel, so it follows racism against us is only racism if a white journalist bravely speaks up about it.”



Thank you Britain! For we defeated racism at the ballot box in the 2019 general election and now we can showcase to the rest of the world how multicultural and diverse we are by electing a South Asian woman to the highest office in the land ably supported by Petri Dishi Rishi and Sajid ‘lemon and herb Nando’s’ Javid in a cabinet.

Meanwhile, the current Labour party under the flustered yet somehow still mute Sir Keir Starmer are too busy dusting off their ‘controls on immigration’ mugs from The Ed Miliband years and doing an apology tour for Jeremy Corbyn’s leadership so it’s understandable they don’t have much time to hear the calls of “WTF we’ve just been made second class citizens in our own country what are you going to do about it?” But then we are the people of colour version of the red wall – or as I like to call us the ‘seasoning rack coalition’ – and not important enough for Labour’s electoral prospects in 2024 – or so they think.

No. what we need is an Amelia Gentleman for the Nationality & Borders Bill. Maybe someone from The Mirror fresh from breaking a year old illegal Number 10 Christmas Party can go full Woodward and Bernstein on the fact upwards of six million people have been made second class citizens. Because it’s a well known secret within Black and Brown communities that just as racism against us is more palatable if the person is named Priti Patel, so it follows racism against us is only racism if a white journalist bravely speaks up about it.

So what is left for people of colour who upset Priti Patel in her quest to appease the worst racists, the type of person that attacks the RNLI for daring to rescue drowning people? To avoid getting Nationality & Borders Bill’d options include disguising yourself as a large diamond in the Queen’s crown, change your name to the Elgin marbles or becoming a looted historic artefact at the British Museum. Priti Patel would then not dare to deport you – and if she tried columnists at The Telegraph, Times and Spectator would be outraged and this would lead to your permanent stay in this country. Best of luck with that!


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For ideas about how you may resist the bill use BID Detention’s template to email your MP that the #BordersBill will criminalise refugees, erode the meagre rights of those subject to immigration control & sow further division into UK society. Click here for the petition. opposing clause 9 of the Nationality and Borders Bill. Sign, and share on your social media channels.

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